Thursday, September 10, 2009

Passage Rewrite - Defoe Style

My Bookshelves agleam are lined with glistening Treasures. Cans reside upon the top shelf, their contents are emptied, their Labels strip'd, their undulated iron Skins burnish’d with silver Polish. I would have preferred they were Gold. I possess Rings there, which I came to acquire from our Voyage to Mexico when I was merely five years old. Moreover, on the ledges reside the following: Photographs of Jewelry cut from Magazines, pasted to Cardboard and positioned as to stand upright; one particular Spoon of brighter sheen from a collection of sterling Silver given by Grandmother to my Parents when they were married; this aforementioned Silver for which my Mother bears a deep hatred; and a small accumulation of various coins, each of which has been boil’d, scour’d and polish’d so they may shine lustrously.

1 comment:

  1. This is pretty good, Anique: you've got the rhythm, punctuation, and orthography right. The prose may be a bit too poetic in spots--I'm thinking especially of the line "undulated iron Skins burnish'd with silver polish." The word "agleam" in the opening sentence is unnecessary, as you note that the treasure glistens--Defoe is rambling, but he is rarely redundant within clauses. Overall, though, a nice job.

    ReplyDelete